I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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