you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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