WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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