I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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