she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
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He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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