why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
