I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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