the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it's like iHOP with fire
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
