if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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