i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
