you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
