Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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