dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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