We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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