i think my tv is drunk
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
