remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
