there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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