i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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