Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
