I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
