They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
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handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
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So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just gargled with NyQuil
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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