i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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