When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
