I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
