If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
