I wish I could teleport
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
