Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
