Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
