Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
