She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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