if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
false alarm, still single
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
