There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
