Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
