So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
