I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
