I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
