Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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