I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
