You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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