Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
