I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
