i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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