So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
