No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
