I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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