Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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