haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
