I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
