I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Randomize
