2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
