you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
