why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
