Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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