I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
