I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
