got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize