Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
