To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
