so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
